Nix on X- Files-the Movie

So what am I doing in a movie theatre at 12:30 AM on a Friday morning? Simple. It was free. My son Jonathan has worked out a deal for his Chik-fil-A staff. He brings left over chicken sandwiches and nuggets for the Cinema staff "free viewing night," and his CFA staff can join in. The only negative is that the bloody flicks start at 12:30 AM.

OK. The X Files movie. What a fan I was of Mulder and Scully during those salad days of the TV program. In fact, I had a real "thing" for Gillian Anderson. (My thoughts were always chaste, of course.) Duchovny, well I could take him or leave him. A little too whiney and wimpy for my taste. A metro sexual male paradigm, if you ask me.

And so it was with great excitement that I got my free Diet Coke, hand full of sandwiches and nuggets and found my way to theatre #4. There were about 50 people in the lobby. When 46 of them made there way to the other 9 theatres to view whatever mindless pap Hollywood is distributing these days, I should have guessed they knew something that I didn't. I soon would find out. In addition, suffering through the previews for what is on tap for American tastes, does not give one occasion for much hope. (Saw V...Do you mean that actually made four others of these?...Mirrors demons take over a mirror museum. What a genius script! And there was some clip about Girls Pants That Travel Around the World #2 Yes, this is a sequel. What a novel idea!)

On with the show. I am going to try to summarize this anti-Catholic movie rant in a few words:

1) Plot #1- Scully works in a Catholic Hospital. She wants to save the life of a young boy with brain cancer. The evil priest administrator, who looks like Don Knotts in clericals, wants her to "fuggedabowdit." Let the boy die with "dignity." Oh yes, the hospital has religious stained glass in the lobby, large crucifixes in all rooms and giant plaster statues everywhere. In addition, nuns in habits walk menacingly down the halls with hands folded, always frowning with disapproval on poor Scully who is standing up for "life." Comment: my wife worked in two Catholic Hospitals. First, you had to look far and wide for crucifixes outside of the non-sectarian chapels, secondly, statues were non-existent and thirdly, nuns in habits? Are you kidding?

2) Plot #2- Now this really gets complicated. Scully gets Mulder out of retirement to help the FBI find missing women. A psychic ex-priest is leading the FBI to locations in West Virginia (lots of Catholic hospitals located there, what?) where body parts are being found. So now you may be wondering, why is this character an ex-priest?....Try to guess before you continue (Insert mental 'Jeopardy' jingle here).....Yes, of course. He is a convicted pedophile!! This fellow who speaks with an Irish brogue, it seems, has visions of the missing women. But Scully is unimpressed. Why would God give visions to a guy who, as she angrily says, "buggered 37 altar boys?"

3) In order to make this a serious picture, after "bedding" Scully, Mulder and she carry on a way too long conversation about how evil God is for allowing suffering. Scully can't sleep because she is too busy "hating God." Mulder replies, "Scully, go to sleep. Let me take over hating God for a while." Ohhhhh...so heavy!

4) Well, to make a long story long, the body parts are being used by mad Russian surgeons to piece together the male "partner" of a Russian guy who drives a snowplow. ( Did I mention the film was supposed to have been set in West Virginia...in winter. It looks more like Siberia.) Nevertheless, the Russians have figured out how to decapitate people and transfer the heads onto healthy bodies. (Reader: are you following this?) So the "male partner's" head has been severed, the body of the woman they have selected to receive the man's head is on ice, when Mulder and Scully arrive in the nick of time to stop this madness.

5) OK. Here is the coup d' gras.One more anti-Catholic twist. The "male partner" turns out to be one of the 37 boys that the old psychic ex-priest had "buggered." Whew!

And so at 2:45 AM, I found my way back home, awakened my sleeping spouse and vented over this horrible movie. "Sounds like a waste time and you should have walked out."....Ah, St. Eva the Good. How right you are. It was and I should have.